Losing this battle

Here i am again in this mess which i have caused myself.
I keep thinking of ending it.I am so tired of fighting,trying to be strong.I dont want to be strong anymore.
Yesterday i had 2choices to stay home and die or to go out drink and take drugs.I went out.I got back in 11am this morning.
I am destroying myself.And i hate myself so much.I wish i could think/feel differently.I am stuck with only one way out.I want to be hurt,i want to be punished for all the evil i have done.The reality is i put myself in unhelpful maybe dangerous situations,I want to be killed.But i wont be.I get the punishment i deserve then am left to hate myself some more.And the cycle begins again.
I am such a dirty disgusting whore.And I want to die.
I met men from the internet not really sure how (cant remember)But i wanted to be hurt and i wanted them to kill me.But they didnt.They wanted sex but i couldnt and they didnt force me.And i dont understand why they didnt.I know if they did i wouldnt of felt better for being punished i would of felt worse.
I dont understand what i am doing and i am scared not knowing what i am capable of.This Evil and hate overpowers me.Its like i have no control or choice its someone else.And the only way i can save myself from that someone is to kill myself.
I am losing this battle